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Monday, September 26, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
The Tiger's Essential Kisii Uni Guide to Pubs
Lisbon
Half the patrons are barely out of high school kids in slippers on any given Friday night.
Used to be all the rage back in the day but issues with their Mututho-Compliance seem to have taken away their popularity. Had only one table with patrons a couple of weeks back when I visited.
My biggest beef with this joint though are the waiters and waitresses. They are these rude Kisii types that seem to be sworn nemeses of Campo students.
Their music is tops though. By Kisii standards that means the Dee Jay is at least aware that Rihanna and Drake have done some sorta collabo together. Don't count on the DJ to play it though, unless you bribe him with beer.
Dallas
Great ambiance but a certain DJ Caste has somehow managed to turn it into a shit hole with bad music
I mean the cat be like the worst DJ in the history of DJaying.
A great place to be at on a Saturday night although tends to be packed around bankers end moth. That’s like the first weekend after the 25th of the month.
A big minus for the joint is the lack of a dance floor. But given the DJ's bad music sense doubt you will be missing it much.
Jazz
Many a hearts were broken and secret affairs hatched on the dance floor of this joint back in the day.
Till circa 2009 this was the official Club of KUC students.
Then a certain episode of cop drama made guys flee the club. I wasn't around at that time but I am told cops came in and arrested patrons, that included virtually all Campo students that were out that night and that was that.
Some Campo folk are still too traumatized by that event to event to even dare walk past the club.
They got great seats nowadays and a big ass flat screen TV.
Closest thing Kisii has to a sports pub if you ask me.
Backyard
Cats used to go there in my fresher days, now they don't.
Secrets
Atrocious lighting. I mean the joint be lit up like a Hollywood set. You can't keep anything secret here. More of a restaurant than a club.
Only been there once. Not going back in a hurry
The Hague
Located opposite Level 5 hospital probably Kisii's best kept secret. Beer is cheap. Plus they make great Nyam Chom for those who are inclined towards growing their pot bellies.
Crowd is baba-ish though.
Great place for when you want to hang out with your boys and catch the match drink lotsa beer.
Devinah's
A member’s only local. Harsh mama there always be harassing patrons over some ish or other. They serve excellent liquor though.
Havana
Place you most likely to meet your lecturer at. Full of these baba types and plenty of whores. Like real whores. Come to this place if you are a chicka looking to be fungwad or if your grades need non-academic improvement.
Music mostly made to cater to the resident crowd of babas.
Kwa Oslo
Used to be the local back in the day. But they took to adulterating their liquor a while back and lost most of their campus clientele a while back.
Also seems to always have some legal drama or other.(Read you are likely to be arrested at this place)
Half the patrons are barely out of high school kids in slippers on any given Friday night.
Used to be all the rage back in the day but issues with their Mututho-Compliance seem to have taken away their popularity. Had only one table with patrons a couple of weeks back when I visited.
My biggest beef with this joint though are the waiters and waitresses. They are these rude Kisii types that seem to be sworn nemeses of Campo students.
Their music is tops though. By Kisii standards that means the Dee Jay is at least aware that Rihanna and Drake have done some sorta collabo together. Don't count on the DJ to play it though, unless you bribe him with beer.
Dallas
Great ambiance but a certain DJ Caste has somehow managed to turn it into a shit hole with bad music
I mean the cat be like the worst DJ in the history of DJaying.
A great place to be at on a Saturday night although tends to be packed around bankers end moth. That’s like the first weekend after the 25th of the month.
A big minus for the joint is the lack of a dance floor. But given the DJ's bad music sense doubt you will be missing it much.
Jazz
Many a hearts were broken and secret affairs hatched on the dance floor of this joint back in the day.
Till circa 2009 this was the official Club of KUC students.
Then a certain episode of cop drama made guys flee the club. I wasn't around at that time but I am told cops came in and arrested patrons, that included virtually all Campo students that were out that night and that was that.
Some Campo folk are still too traumatized by that event to event to even dare walk past the club.
They got great seats nowadays and a big ass flat screen TV.
Closest thing Kisii has to a sports pub if you ask me.
Backyard
Cats used to go there in my fresher days, now they don't.
Secrets
Atrocious lighting. I mean the joint be lit up like a Hollywood set. You can't keep anything secret here. More of a restaurant than a club.
Only been there once. Not going back in a hurry
The Hague
Located opposite Level 5 hospital probably Kisii's best kept secret. Beer is cheap. Plus they make great Nyam Chom for those who are inclined towards growing their pot bellies.
Crowd is baba-ish though.
Great place for when you want to hang out with your boys and catch the match drink lotsa beer.
Devinah's
A member’s only local. Harsh mama there always be harassing patrons over some ish or other. They serve excellent liquor though.
Havana
Place you most likely to meet your lecturer at. Full of these baba types and plenty of whores. Like real whores. Come to this place if you are a chicka looking to be fungwad or if your grades need non-academic improvement.
Music mostly made to cater to the resident crowd of babas.
Kwa Oslo
Used to be the local back in the day. But they took to adulterating their liquor a while back and lost most of their campus clientele a while back.
Also seems to always have some legal drama or other.(Read you are likely to be arrested at this place)
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
The Tiger's Essential KUC guide to Raving with Cliques
An age old tradition of Kisii Uni is that folks tend to eat in cliques, walk in cliques, shag in cliques, shit in cliques and do just about everything else in cliques. They also rave in cliques.
So here is a manual I wish I had a couple of months back:
Chomba & Associates
Consists of Chomba na Wacoasti kadhaa. Usually drama free. Their poison of choice varies but they usually do Viceroy, beers and generally whatever their dates be partaking of. Lots of chickas always be hanging around their table. Generally steer clear of pub drama.
Rave with them when: Your grasp of Coastal Swa is above par and you want to get laid
Fred, Keter,Robbie & Associates a.k.a Walevi wa Kayole
Allsopps,Ng'ang'o,Pilsner na kadhalika. I mean these folks will drink anything and I mean anything to get high.
Usually carrying 14 pints of Naps in their bellies. Generally never walk away from a Pub Brawl
Rave with them when: Your life is in mortal danger, you have a terminal illness and you "don't care"
Kina Tony
You might or might not get into a pub brawl. You might or might not have to cover their cab fare back. You might or might not get laid. You might or might not end up with liquor in your hair
Rave with them when: You feel like taking chances
Bendah &Co.
Used to really ball back when a cat named Abel used to be around.
They drama, I mean drama be their middle name. B.O.B will attempt to chock chicks, Yobrah always up to no good pimping and hustling numbers from chicks, Zish be jumping off roofs. I mean these cats Rave by the words of Party like a Rockstar.
Always keep their liquor on the legit side. Trust em to keep it herbal too.
Rave With Them When: You need some Drama in your life or when Abel is around
Mondoh,Wahome & Macharia
Obsessed with swag. Except swag seems to mean something different to them than it does to other Homo sapiens.
Guarantee you a quiet night out on the rave. Beers, Viceroy and the occasional tiger blood be their poisons of choice.
Rave with them when: You want "swag" real or imagined or you are eyeing a Kiuk chick.
Joash etc
Well nobody knows the rest of them niggas in the clique. If you bring a date chances are you will go back without her.
Real Hyena blood these ones got. Trust their table to always have a chicka or two.
Rave with them when: You are looking for a quiet time out. And are dateless
Freshers
Most confused and loudest bunch in the club.
Rarely go out and when they do they spend half the night dissing the joint. Save for the odd cool cat, they fuck up the whole. Drink mostly beers. That�s two for their broke asses, at which point they excessive drunk and two Black Ices for their date.
Rave with them when: You want to commit social suicide
So here is a manual I wish I had a couple of months back:
Chomba & Associates
Consists of Chomba na Wacoasti kadhaa. Usually drama free. Their poison of choice varies but they usually do Viceroy, beers and generally whatever their dates be partaking of. Lots of chickas always be hanging around their table. Generally steer clear of pub drama.
Rave with them when: Your grasp of Coastal Swa is above par and you want to get laid
Fred, Keter,Robbie & Associates a.k.a Walevi wa Kayole
Allsopps,Ng'ang'o,Pilsner na kadhalika. I mean these folks will drink anything and I mean anything to get high.
Usually carrying 14 pints of Naps in their bellies. Generally never walk away from a Pub Brawl
Rave with them when: Your life is in mortal danger, you have a terminal illness and you "don't care"
Kina Tony
You might or might not get into a pub brawl. You might or might not have to cover their cab fare back. You might or might not get laid. You might or might not end up with liquor in your hair
Rave with them when: You feel like taking chances
Bendah &Co.
Used to really ball back when a cat named Abel used to be around.
They drama, I mean drama be their middle name. B.O.B will attempt to chock chicks, Yobrah always up to no good pimping and hustling numbers from chicks, Zish be jumping off roofs. I mean these cats Rave by the words of Party like a Rockstar.
Always keep their liquor on the legit side. Trust em to keep it herbal too.
Rave With Them When: You need some Drama in your life or when Abel is around
Mondoh,Wahome & Macharia
Obsessed with swag. Except swag seems to mean something different to them than it does to other Homo sapiens.
Guarantee you a quiet night out on the rave. Beers, Viceroy and the occasional tiger blood be their poisons of choice.
Rave with them when: You want "swag" real or imagined or you are eyeing a Kiuk chick.
Joash etc
Well nobody knows the rest of them niggas in the clique. If you bring a date chances are you will go back without her.
Real Hyena blood these ones got. Trust their table to always have a chicka or two.
Rave with them when: You are looking for a quiet time out. And are dateless
Freshers
Most confused and loudest bunch in the club.
Rarely go out and when they do they spend half the night dissing the joint. Save for the odd cool cat, they fuck up the whole. Drink mostly beers. That�s two for their broke asses, at which point they excessive drunk and two Black Ices for their date.
Rave with them when: You want to commit social suicide
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